1. I think people overrate geographical distance and underrate network distance. SF and NYC are extremely close to each other in network-space. We have good data on this from the Social Connectedness Index, but you also probably know this intuitively by having a lot of friends in both places
2. So even though it feels like moving across the country, I think it’s actually closer to moving neighborhoods within a city
3. I personally don’t consider myself a New Yorker, instead I feel strong allegiance to three cities: NYC, SF, and Phoenix. Right now I spend the vast majority of time in NYC, with 1-2 months in Phoenix per year, and a few weeks in SF per year. But I wouldn’t be surprised or disappointed if those ratios change over time. I feel a sense of long-term stability from framing my life this way.
4. Tasshin has a good post where he talks about head, heart and gut cities. https://tasshin.com/blog/the-asheville-nyc-sfba-triangle/. And how it’s nice to feel a connection to one of each type of city because no single city will ever have it all.
5. I think there are two opposite failure modes when it comes to relating to cities. One is that you never root, you’re always flighty, and as a result you never build beautiful long-term friendships. But another is that you are too loyal to rootedness and ignore the callings of your soul! Overall I think it’s fine to let yourself fall in love with multiple cities, just not too many lol. Three seems ideal to me ☺️, I hope I do not fall in love with any more.
6. Also I’ve seen so many friends move when they are tired of a city, and it helps them remember why they loved the city in the first place. And after a few months or years, they return. I’ve seen this happen in both SF and NYC.
7. SF is chock-full of very smart people who like to have intense conversations of a certain flavor. It might just be that that’s what you’re looking for right now!
8. You don’t have to make a permanent decision now, if you go for 1-3 months you might get a lot more clarity :)
There's something about "permanence" that I've been wanting to articulate for awhile but haven't found the words for yet. I find a lot of people dreaming about being in the same co-living setup forever, and sometimes ask me leading questions about this re: Fractal. But I don't think that's actually what humans want?? Most parents I know (including my own) only had "permanent" housing starting from the time their first kid was ~5. Until that point, humans move, for a bunch of really good reasons.
I really liked how Radish was set up, where it was explicitly a 5 year container, and then the group had to actively decide whether to continue it. And now they are selling Radish and branching into 3+ new living situations.
Permanence feels like a misplaced desire that actually has to do with like...okayness and belonging. At the far end of the spectrum this is why humans join cults.
And of course, we can't forget SSC's adage that for every piece of advice, there's an equal and opposite piece of advice that also holds true.
So the opposite piece of advice is like: friendships are important, and long-term friendships cannot be re-built in a day. (But also, friendships can look different over time, they can change instead of end)
Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed reading about this.
Some general thoughts on moving:
1. I think people overrate geographical distance and underrate network distance. SF and NYC are extremely close to each other in network-space. We have good data on this from the Social Connectedness Index, but you also probably know this intuitively by having a lot of friends in both places
2. So even though it feels like moving across the country, I think it’s actually closer to moving neighborhoods within a city
3. I personally don’t consider myself a New Yorker, instead I feel strong allegiance to three cities: NYC, SF, and Phoenix. Right now I spend the vast majority of time in NYC, with 1-2 months in Phoenix per year, and a few weeks in SF per year. But I wouldn’t be surprised or disappointed if those ratios change over time. I feel a sense of long-term stability from framing my life this way.
4. Tasshin has a good post where he talks about head, heart and gut cities. https://tasshin.com/blog/the-asheville-nyc-sfba-triangle/. And how it’s nice to feel a connection to one of each type of city because no single city will ever have it all.
5. I think there are two opposite failure modes when it comes to relating to cities. One is that you never root, you’re always flighty, and as a result you never build beautiful long-term friendships. But another is that you are too loyal to rootedness and ignore the callings of your soul! Overall I think it’s fine to let yourself fall in love with multiple cities, just not too many lol. Three seems ideal to me ☺️, I hope I do not fall in love with any more.
6. Also I’ve seen so many friends move when they are tired of a city, and it helps them remember why they loved the city in the first place. And after a few months or years, they return. I’ve seen this happen in both SF and NYC.
7. SF is chock-full of very smart people who like to have intense conversations of a certain flavor. It might just be that that’s what you’re looking for right now!
8. You don’t have to make a permanent decision now, if you go for 1-3 months you might get a lot more clarity :)
There's something about "permanence" that I've been wanting to articulate for awhile but haven't found the words for yet. I find a lot of people dreaming about being in the same co-living setup forever, and sometimes ask me leading questions about this re: Fractal. But I don't think that's actually what humans want?? Most parents I know (including my own) only had "permanent" housing starting from the time their first kid was ~5. Until that point, humans move, for a bunch of really good reasons.
I really liked how Radish was set up, where it was explicitly a 5 year container, and then the group had to actively decide whether to continue it. And now they are selling Radish and branching into 3+ new living situations.
Permanence feels like a misplaced desire that actually has to do with like...okayness and belonging. At the far end of the spectrum this is why humans join cults.
Anyways, I'm just riffing now
And of course, we can't forget SSC's adage that for every piece of advice, there's an equal and opposite piece of advice that also holds true.
So the opposite piece of advice is like: friendships are important, and long-term friendships cannot be re-built in a day. (But also, friendships can look different over time, they can change instead of end)